


My immortal (crimnal mind version)

by Sherlock_Writer



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bad Writing, Drug Use, Gay Sex, Kinda, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, but its meant to be bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:27:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23920810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherlock_Writer/pseuds/Sherlock_Writer
Summary: Crazy idea I got at 12 at night and had to write it.This is a parody of the famous fanfic my immortal but criminal minds. Hope you enjoy.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 17
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (I got this idea at 12 at night and had to write it.This is a parody of the famous awful fanfic my immortal. If haven't read it, I recommend it before reading this. enjoy)

Chapter 1.

AN: Special hackz (get it, coz Garcia) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) CMWriter, SpencerLover101 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Dr Spencer William Walter Reid and I have long brown hair (that's how I got my name) with curly strands that reaches my shoulder and i have golden brown eyes like a hot summer sunrise and a lot of people tell me I look like Matthew Gray Gubbler (AN: if u don't know who he is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Lila Archer but I wish I was because she's a major fucking hottie. I'm a FBI Agent but my body is thin and tall. I have pale white skin. I'm also a profiler, and I work in a FBI office called Quantico in Virginia where I've worked for 4 years 7 month and 11 days (I'm twenty six). I'm a geek (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly sweater vests and shirts. I love charity shops and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a purple shirt with a black silk tie, Black khaki pants, a dark gray hand knitted cardigan with miss matched socks. I was walking outside the police station. It was warm and sunny with no clouds in the sky, which I was very happy about. A lot of Unsubs stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Reid!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Derek Morgan!

"What's up Morgan?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.  
But then, I heard the rest of the team call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me hackz!


	2. chapter 2

Chapter 2.

AN: Hackz 2 CMWriter 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW Unsubs stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was warm and sunny again. I sat up and drank some cold coffee from a cup I had. My bed frame was light brown oak and my sheets was camo green with a check pattern on it I got out of my bed and took of my giant FBI t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a blue button down, a baby blue tie, black khaki pants and black converts. I put on one pizza sock and one catus, and put my hands through hair.  
My friend, JJ (AN: CMWriter dis is ur fav!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long shoulder-length Golden blonde hair and opened her baby blue eyes. She put on her a blue t-shirt with a black dress trousers, socks and boots. We put on her makeup (a little lipstick some foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Morgan yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Derek?" she asked as we went out of the hotel room and into the fbi building.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Morgan walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied shyly.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Beethoven is having a concert in Park" he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love B-dog. They are my favorite condutor, besides Motzar.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY UNSUBS OK! odderwize hacks 2 da CM fan ppl 4 da good reveiws! HACkS AGEN CMWriter! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da music from Beethoven..

On the night of the concert I put on pair of odd socks with black converts. Underneath them were karkie pants . Then I put on a light blue button down with little blue dots on the back and front. I put on matching blue tie around my neck. I washed my hair and made it look all curly. I felt a little depressed then, so i did Dilaudid. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop working and I listened to some Beethoven. I drank some coffee so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Derek was waiting there in front of his car. He was wearing a Motzart t-shirt (they would play at the show too), pair of blue jeans and he ha all his tattoos showing (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz have them ok!).

"Hi Morgan!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Reid." he said back. We walked into his black SUV (the license plate said 3.14159265359) and drive to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Motzart and Beethoven. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Beethoven.

"DUNN DUNN DUNN DUNNNN  
DUNN DUNN DUNN DUNNNN  
dun de dum de da  
dun de dum de da  
dum de  
dun de  
Dun dun  
DUNN." Orchestra played (I don't own da song).  
(See author note at bottom)

"Ludwig is so fucking hot." I said to Derek, pointing to him as he conducted, filling the club with his amazing music..

Suddenly Morgan looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we Danced to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Derek sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Beethoven and he's going out with Joseph fucking Haydn. I fucking hate that composer." I said disgustedly, thinking of his fur elise writing ass.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Derek. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Beethoven and Motzart for their autographs and photos with them. We got Beethoven concert tees. Morgan and I crawled back into the SUV, but Derek didn't go back into my apartment, instead he drove the car into… FBI building car park!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I spent half an hour trying to write Beethoven's 5th symphony in duns. Please leave a comment for effort.


	4. Chapter 4

(This chapter contains a "sex scene" between men. So be warned)

AN: I sed stup flaming ok Spencer's name is SPENCER nut gary su OK! DEREK IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder from work ok!

"DEREK!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Derek didn't answer but he stopped the car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Spencer?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Derek leaned in extra-close and I looked into his dark brown eyes which revealed so much depressing sorrow and lust and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Derek kissed me passionately. Morgan climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against the car. He took of my pants and I took of his clothes. I even took of my sweater vest. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was…. Strauss!


	5. Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Strauss swor is coz she had a hedache ok an on tup of dat she wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

Stauss made and Derek and I follow her. She kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" she shouted.

I started to cry tears of sugar down my pallid face. Derek comforted me. When we went back to the office Derek took us to Rossi and Hotch who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the car park !" she yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Rossi.

"How dare you?" demanded Hotchn

And then Derek shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!"

Everyone was quiet. Strauss and Rossi still looked mad but Agent Hotchner said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your Apartments."

Derek and I went downstairs while the agents glared at us.

"Are you okay, Reid?" Derek asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to my apartment and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut purple floor-length kimono with large stash all around it and black trainers. When I came out….

Derek was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to humming '5th symphony' by beethoven. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his Apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guy's. Update next chapter tomorrow or the next day


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The next day I woke up in my bed. I put on a black pant thats still had a little blood from our last case on it and a matching purple shirt with a black tie and high tops that were black. I put on two pairs of miss match socks,. I spray-painted my hair with hairspray.

In the break room, I drank some coffee with sugar instead of milk, and a donuts. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the coffee spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic girl with straight black. She was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing red lipstick. She didn't have bangs anymore and now she had parted straight hair. She had a feminine chin. She had a sexy American accent. She looked exactly like Paget Brewster. She was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw her kind of like an erection only It was one, you sicko.

"I'm so sorry." She said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Lauren Ren… I mean Emily Prentiss, although most people call me failed Gay representation these days." She grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I written like a gay woman but writer was too scared attually make me gay." he giggled.

"Yea, that happened to me too." I confessed.

"Really?" She whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Derek came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Know Emily was in the other chapter as a a different chapter but change it fit the story better.
> 
> Please review :)


	7. Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow 2 chapter back to back, is it Christmas?

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 2 god  
reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Spencer isn't a Gary Sue ok he isn't perfect HES A DRUG ADDICTED! and he has problemz hes depressed 4 godz sake!

Derek and I held my pale hands in this ebony one with short nails as we went upstairs. I had my sleeve pushed up so u could see my track marks. (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Gary Sue 2 u?). I waved to Failed Gay representation. Dark misery was in het depressed eyes. I guess she was jealous of me that I was going out with Derek. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Derek. We went into the old interrogation rooms and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black undershirt and he took off his pants. We went on the desk and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

"Oh Derek, Derek!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Derek's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… failed Gay representation!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping off the desk.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Derek pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have cooties anyway!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Derek ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was at failed Gay representation desk where she was talking to Hotch and some other people.

"FAILED GAY REPRESENTATION PRENTISS, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, thanks for all the people following this train reck of a story.

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!  
Everyone in the bullpen stared at me and then Derek came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Spencer, it's not what you think!" Derek screamed sadly.

My friend Penelope Garica smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length golden blonde hair and opened her brown eyes that was like chocolate. She had tanned white skin that she was wearing bright makeup on. Penelope was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are mother and one of them was her stepfather but a car crash killed her mother and her step father. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Hotch demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"failed Gay representation, I can't believe you cheated on me with Derek!" I shouted at her.

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Reid was so mad at me. I had went out with failed Gay representation (I'm bi and so is Spencer) for a while but then she broke my heart. She dumped me because she was Gay. We were just good friends now. She had gone through horrible problems, and now she is a profiler. (Haha, like I would hang out with a Interpol agent.)

"But I'm not going out with Derek anymore!" said failed Gay representation."he's a guy"

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. 

I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Derek and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took ages to update, will try to update (regularly again)

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dnt see all the Seasons! dis is frum da first few seasons ok so itz nut my folt if Stauss swers! besuizds I SED SHE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson Hotch dosent lik Emily now is coz hes christian and failed Gay representation. is a Gay!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Derek for cheating on me. I began to cry against the car where I did it with Derek.  
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with pale blue eyes and none to a little hair and everything started running towards me on a his legs! (basically like Doyle in the series) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't a profiler. It was… Ian Doyle!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Doyle shouted "don't move!" and I couldn't run away.

"I have a gun!" I shouted at him. Doyle fell off the curb and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a profier so I stopped.

"Spencer." he yelled. "Thou must kill Lauren … I mean failed Gay representation. PRENTISS!"

I thought about failed Gay representation. and her sexah eyes and her raven black hair and how her face looks just like Paget Brewster. I remembered that Derek had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Derek went out with failed Gay representation. before I went out with him and they broke up?

"No, Doyle!" I shouted back.  
Doyle gave me a bigger gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Derek!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Doyle got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath people following you." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill failed Gay representation, then thou know what will happen to Derek!" he shouted. Then he walked angrily.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Derek came into the woods.

"Derek!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing dark foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into BAU together making out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (please leave a comment tell me what you think !!!)

**Author's Note:**

> (If u want me to continue please tell me below)


End file.
